we made out on top of his cat.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
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I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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