You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
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Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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