New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
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The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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