he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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