I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize