Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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