Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
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Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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