According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
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it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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