i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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