my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
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She swung at the pinata with crutches
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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