Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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