What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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