I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
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I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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