If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
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i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
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I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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