I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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