So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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