I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
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We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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