Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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