WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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