sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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