I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
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I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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