I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The beer is more important than you right now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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