I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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