shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
foreskin is a definite game changer
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
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I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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