Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize