wanna go halves on a baby?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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