I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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