the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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