maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
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I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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