You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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