Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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