i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
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i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
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He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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