theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
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For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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