I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize