i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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