Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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