She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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