My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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