You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Buhtt sex?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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