I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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