toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
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He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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