Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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