I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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