On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
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All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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