saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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