I think I won the penis lottery.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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