I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize