Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize