all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
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Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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