did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
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Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
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Someone came in the potted fern
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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